Genevieve  0:07  

Welcome to I Could Never, a podcast about non monogamy and the many ways it can look. I'm Genevieve from show polyamory on Instagram, Tiktok and YouTube. I'm joined by my co host and partner, Ishik.

Ishik  0:18  

Yes, I'm coming to you from the light side of the Moon. Everyone always wants to be on the Dark Side of the Moon. Gonna be on the light you're different, not like other guys, yeah. But I'm actually very happy that joining us today is a fantastic artist, performer, poet, proudly Ghanaian, unapologetically queer. Darkwah.

Darkwah  0:40  

Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. I'm sorry. I was like, fangirling while you were doing like, the whole opening. I was like, Oh, my God, I'm here.

Ishik  0:50  

But first we have something very important to discuss, a deadly craze that's sweeping the nation. Your kids might call it Vibe or Vent.

Genevieve  0:59  

For anyone listening for the first time, we always like to start the show off with a little icebreaker called vibe or vent, where we'll each take a beat to share a bit about something that's either really making us happy recently or something that sucks that we need to get off our chest. So I will start us out today that I am actually vibing with the fact that I am able to bleach my own hair. I it's it's silly, it's silly, but I'm able to do it myself thanks to YouTube. And I haven't gone to a hair stylist in like three years. I'm able to maintain platinum blonde and save a lot of money, which I'm grateful for. And you help? Yeah? No, it's pretty cool. But I would love to know Darko. Ah, what are you vibing or venting about today?

Darkwah  1:42  

I am vibing. I'm vibing hard today. So I got my hands tattooed today. Well, today and yesterday, both of them. Yes, both of them. Would you be down to tell us what you got tattooed? So yes, I told the tattoo artist that I wanted to feel like a goddess tattoo me the way that you would tattoo Oshun, which is a goddess that is shared across many African, West African and afro, Latina cultures. So I also have some symbols, some Adinkra symbols, which are symbols from Ghana, which is where I'm from, and each one has a different meaning and bears like some kind of power or lesson. My favorite one is assassin Drew, which means the Earth has weight, whatever you want to take from that. But for me, it feels like a very like gender affirming thing, because I don't want my body to be perceived as male or female. I want it to be perceived the way the art is perceived, free of gender, something that starts conversations and changes minds or opens them or doesn't at all, but like something that just is and so I feel a little bit more affirmed in my gender identity from having this done. And so that's causing me to vibe super, hard. 

Ishik  3:01  

That's awesome. So lovely. And for what it's worth, for anyone who doesn't know Darkwah, you are a work of art, so you're great. 

Darkwah 3:10  

Oh, thank you. 

Ishik  3:13  

Just look them up. You'll see. Yeah, well, I'm gonna go ahead and and, you know, see this, this lovely vibe train, and just run it into the fucking ground. 

Genevieve  3:21  

Oh yeah, you gonna vent on us? Vent. What do you venting about, baby?

Ishik  3:24  

So I've been having a lot of nightmares. I've been having like, a lot of nightmares, like a multiple every night, waking me up, like last night, I fell asleep for two minutes, and then immediately started having a nightmare of driving off a cliff and fallen, and it was just just been like that for days, and it sucks, like I just, no matter how much sleep I get, I have not felt super rested.

Darkwah  3:50  

What are you doing before you go to sleep? 

Ishik  3:53  

I'm driving a car off a cliff. In all honesty, I'm just anxious and feeling worried about the work that needs to get done and other stuff in life, and so I think the solution is really to just try to get a little bit of a handle on things that need doing. But, yeah, it hasn't been fun, and I'm looking forward to that shit passing. I want to get a good night's rest. 

Genevieve  4:19  

It's always so hard when rest doesn't feel totally restful. Yeah, yeah. I get that. Well, we would also love to jump into getting to know you better dark while. So we usually like to start by getting a sense of the current shape of our guest non monogamy. So can you tell us a little bit about their relationships in your life, the people who are close to you at the moment,

Darkwah  4:42  

I have, for the past like three years, been in a relationship and learning about the fact that I'm non monogamous while in that relationship and making many, many, many mistakes. We are still navigating the waters of what to call. It, but I guess it's kind of like openly dating. So yeah, I have many friends who I believe are all like in some way, someone that I'm in love with, or like a lover or relationship in that sense. But this is what I believe, is like my nesting relationship.

Genevieve  5:18  

How did the conversation come up, or who brought it up about non monogamy?

Darkwah  5:24  

Oh, well, that was me. I brought it I brought it up a few times. I brought it up at the beginning because we had a conversation about monogamy and non monogamy. And I was like, you know, I'm more like an open relationship kind of person. And I said open relationship kind of person, because I also didn't have like the language to like properly express how I felt. I didn't also think that any things that I would go was going to express were valid, because I never heard anyone talking about the way that they feel towards relationships, relationship structures, love, loving other people. So I wasn't able to say I just don't think I can do it, because that felt like a stain on who I was, because I couldn't do this thing that so many people can do, that's like considered the norm that like everyone expects, and so that actually silenced me a lot, and that manifested as frustration towards them for a while.

Genevieve  6:21  

But I think it's common for people who would like a form of non monogamy, even if they don't have the words for it, to feel resentful towards their agreement. 

Ishik  6:31  

Yeah, so you were more interested in open relationship, but they wanted monogamy, and yeah, you committed to that because you wanted to be with them. 

Darkwah  6:40  

Yes, 100% while I was in a monogamous relationship that I genuinely wanted, I also felt like my freedom was like, completely taken away, and our relationship also started really fast. I had just been kicked out of a house, well, bullied out of a house, and then got my own place, and then we met straight away. So like going from a situation in which I felt like I was not free to then be free and have my own place, to then not be free by being in a relationship despite the fact that that was my choice.

Genevieve  7:14  

So, so you brought it up to them. Were they open to it right away? Or No,

Darkwah  7:19  

I will I was like, really sucky at monogamy. I later found out that they would have been open to it had I not had so many transgressions, slash failures when.

Ishik  7:30  

So when you say that you were like, sucky at it or failing, what do you mean, like? What does that? What does that look like?

Darkwah  7:37  

Like? It looks like it looks like texting other people when that's like, not agreed in the relationship that like, that's okay. It looks like clubbing and after partying hard for like days and not being in contact, and also, like not being truthful, not being transparent about like, what's going on. It's apologizing and saying that you're gonna change and not doing enough of the work to implement the change. It was all of those things and like, that's something that I struggled with the whole time, because, like, whenever I would text someone else, or like, flirt with someone else, or like, try and like, be like, Sly and like, get with someone else, or whatever. Like, it would come from a place of resentment that was so wrong because, like, it wasn't something that was like, supposed to exist. Like, how can I resent a person that just loves me? It was really uncomfortable. Like, I look back at it and I'm like, I can't believe that I even, like, put myself or another person through all of that.

Genevieve  8:43  

How did you go from that to being more trusting of each other? What? What was that like?

Darkwah  8:52  

The journey to being more trusting of each other? Unfortunately involved lots more broken trust. So that was a hard one for both of us, because it was like, the more I tried, the more I felt tired, and the more I failed, the more they couldn't trust me. I think that part of the reason that we're trying that we're moving so slowly, because, as I'm like, speaking about it, I realized, like, yeah, we're taking our time with this, and I'm like, liking that a lot, so that we can be comfortable with each other again, when you are hurt by someone or when you hurt someone, of like, there's so much second guessing and triple guessing, like, what they're doing, what they're thinking, how they're going to behave, to this and that and the other. And we just it's, we just have to, like, really try when, when things came to a head. They always tried to understand me. They always tried to understand me. Of course, there was going to be like the reaction, the anger, the shouting, the crying, were both deeply traumatic people. But you know, it works, and yeah, but they always tried to understand me, which is something that I. I have also realized more recently that I was not very good at doing.

Genevieve  10:07  

Can you tell us, like, what have you at least at the current moment, I imagine it's open for evolution again, but yeah, at the moment, what are you both agreeing to?

Darkwah  10:15  

We are in a relationship that is open and able to date, but currently we're focusing more on bettering our ability to communicate. So we're agreeing to talk about everything that they will tell me. If they're going on dates, I'll tell them the main rule, because we live together, is like no one else back at our place. I don't know of any other rules, because everything is fine, so long as we discuss basically.

Ishik  10:46  

So it just to clarify. So it sounds like there is still the availability to, like, basically, have sex with other people, yeah, but that it's just as long as there's open communication.

Darkwah  10:57  

Yeah, as long as there's open communication about it, and that's the thing that I struggle with the most. So that's actually why that's the main focus of everything that I said. Because for me, until I can communicate openly about the fact that I think I like someone, I don't see myself feeling like, Oh, hey, I want to just be like, Hey. I think I want to, like, go, like, have sex with someone. Do you know what I mean?

Genevieve  11:18  

Yeah. And when you described that, the two of you are taking things slow, and you mentioned that currently, the only hard line is no guests back into your home. Does that mean that you both intend to, one day be able to have guests back at your home?

Darkwah  11:32  

I think if we have a big enough home, yeah, yeah, definitely. I think it's that kind of thing. We both use the space a lot. And if one day you need to, like, record something or do something and there's like, a spontaneous guest, like, and it's a small space, it's not going to work out. Whereas a three bedroom apartment that has, like the room that's like the wardrobe room, that's also like another room, completely fine. 

Genevieve  12:02  

It's a very practical reality for a lot of us. 

Ishik  12:05  

I mean, hell, it's a practical reality for us. 

Genevieve  12:08  

Yeah, the next apartment we're going to be looking for, hopefully, fingers crossed, have, yeah, have an extra bedroom.

Ishik  12:13  

And, like, specifically, bedrooms that are, like, far away from each other. 

Darkwah  12:17  

Oh, honey. Wings. Wings. Wings. Yeah, exactly, exactly. That's what we're doing. 

Genevieve  12:24  

Last time we were looking we went into separate bedrooms and we started, like, pounding the walls and yelling to see if the other person could hear it and how much.

Ishik  12:32  

The real the real estate person was very like, confused, yeah, you're making some sounds. And they're like, it's a practical concern. It was test. Yeah, so to kind of rewind a bit, because, you know, I think we've got a good sense of kind of where things are roughly currently, and like how they're evolving right now. A lot of these different things, both the challenges that you talked about with with opening up your relationship and being more honest, and just the challenges you faced in that relationship as you are starting to be more honest, the thing that keeps coming up to me is this idea of freedom, yeah, the feeling, kind of caged feeling kept down, feeling all of these things and evolving in All these ways to to have more freedom in your life, yeah, and in your relationships, in your feeling of your own body. And it's, it's very clear that, like, there's a unified kind of journey that's happening across all of these things.

Darkwah  13:34  

Yeah, even down to where I live. So we walked into this place and it was like, Really, like white and had no light in it, but by way of like energy, and that's not to say it was a dark place, it just wasn't filled with the kind of light that I like a place to be filled with. And I looked at all the walls, and I've never been someone to say this, and I was like, I want a different color on each wall. I remember saying it and knowing that I really wanted it, and like my nesting partner, was also very much like, yeah, okay, I can see that. I'll help you do that. I believe that, like my immediate environment, if I cannot fully influence it, feel it and fill it, that I am some in some way, hindered in my ability to do that out in the world, it's so important that, like, if tomorrow we wake up and we want it all to be Klein Blue, that it can, because together in this space that is ours, we can do anything that we want, and so together in the world, we can too.

Genevieve  14:36  

Does it feel like you have a destination in mind, or an ideal shape of non monogamy in mind, or is it more like being open to if one day you want blue, blue is available.

Darkwah  14:49  

That's what it feels like. That's the vibe. Okay? That's the vibe. I thought. So, yeah, I like to be fair to myself, but I'm trying to do things that I also find uncomfortable. I think that's really important, because I obviously, in the past, have bitten off more than I can chew by saying, Yes, I'm going to do monogamy, or I'm going to try monogamy, and then, like failing, and then like saying I'm going to try again, and then like texting someone else, or all of this kind of stuff. So I want to be fair and be like, Okay, this is my aim. I need to be comfortable saying, Hey, I actually met this person, and I liked them, and I think I'd like to go on a date with them. I need to be comfortable being like, Hey, have you how's things have you been on a date recently? Like, what are you up to? Do you feel like talking? You know? And then I also have to be comfortable in being vulnerable with my feelings, because those are the things that I don't give or don't give as easily, and I want to be able to know that I'm providing a secure base for the person that is a secure base for me before I start stepping out fully you.

Ishik  16:00  

I'd love to get a sense of like kind of rewinding back a bit before this relationship. Yeah, if you'd ever had any other prior exposure to non monogamy, or any of these ideas before, before entering into this relationship.

Darkwah  16:19  

Hmm, I don't really think I did. I mean, Tila Tequila had a show. No, I just didn't have any exposure to it. And like, you know, other relationships were also like, attempts at monogamy that, like, were not great on either side in some instances. And only one relationship, one did we open our relationship? And that worked to an extent, but then there was also, like, jealousy, and we were young, I was like, what 22 so I again, didn't have the resources or the tools to know how to do it properly. 

Genevieve  17:00  

Would you be down to tell us a little bit of like, what happened and how that was, and maybe how it's different from your current relationship?

Darkwah  17:07  

I mean, okay, so the way it happened, the way we got to the opening, was kind of the same. I, you know, repeat, offended. And can I ask a quick question? Yes, when you say, when you say, repeat, offended. What is it? What do you mean? Repeat offended is, like, all of the offenses, talking to people, like making out with people in, like, clubs I slept with one person, it's uncomfortable to speak about, just because I am not proud of it. But like, you have to release shame, right? Like, it's just, it's a thing that happened, and had I had all of the resources. We don't know whether I would or wouldn't have, but we hope that I wouldn't have had I had all the resources. So, yeah, I'm always like, a little bit like, I guess, somewhat scorpionically Evasive, however, yeah, it went, it went like that. We broke up and made up a few times, and, you know, really loved each other, or felt like we did, and then we decided we were gonna open the relationship when we did. There was a lot at play. I was also hyper aware that, like, I was dating like, you know, effectively, like, a white twink and that was like, what 2013 when twinkdom was the thing, and being black and queer and bald and mustachioed and wanting to do femme stuff, but not necessarily being able to and like, every time they wore skinny jeans and like, a long like, cut open t shirt and like, looks like a fucking model, because those were the models that We saw all the time, like there was like resentment, there was jealousy, there was competition created in my mind from also existing differently and seeing how people also responded to them versus responded to me, and what people expected from them and what people expected from me. And so I think it went awry because I guess I was just also dealing with, like, being black and gay was not the same as being white and gay. Yeah. So yeah, I was really mean. I was really mean. I was I was really mean. I wasn't nice, but I did love them, but there was just too much tangled up in, like, everything. For me, it was, it was a weird time. At that time, I don't even think I was looking for an open relationship. I don't think I was looking for a monogamous relationship. I think I was looking for validation.

Genevieve  19:25  

Yeah, and, and the feeling of competing with your own partner is real. I don't actually hear a lot of people talk about that, but yeah.

Darkwah  19:35  

I mean, I think about it even now, because, like, my nesting partner and I were both non binary. They're like, six foot something, and I'm like, what? Five eight on a good day. They're like.

Ishik  19:45  

You read as much taller. I'm just gonna say that. Thank you. I have tall person energy, apparently you do.

Darkwah  19:53  

But yeah, and you know, they're gorgeous and like, they're slimmer than I am, but like, still muscular and like, they. Fit in, like, sample sizes more and, like, there's all of that too, right? Like, it's actually daunting sometimes because, like, I'm like, they're like, gorgeous.

Ishik  20:11  

Speaking though of of you know, coming out as non binary. Your non binary person signed male at birth. You dress very fam at times, but you're also still maintaining a lot of, you know, muscular physique. I can only imagine that you might have faced particular challenges in dating. Or Yeah. Do you feel like that's true? Oh, my God, yes. Can you? Can you speak to that at all? 

Darkwah  20:36  

Yes, challenges in dating. This is actually also one of the reasons that my nesting partner and I were drawn to each other. Because this is the it was the first time we had ever seen someone that felt like we felt completely and existed that way too. I remember around like 2021 I was like, bald and had a beard and wore, like, tight white t shirts and like, a high waisted skinny jean that was ripped at the knee, like, kind of like gigolo in Paris, by way of San Francisco in the 1970s.

Yeah, so that's how I dressed. And I was, like, I presented really masculine, and I would be approached by everyone, and then I started to, like, add a little bit of flair. And so I was then, like, the hot black gay guy who could do femme was still, like, but was still a guy. And like, again, people were still into me for a while, and then I came out as non binary, and when I did that, I stopped caring about what people thought was attractive. I no longer saw myself either as a person. I saw myself as a concept. And I was like, what concept Am I giving today? It was story, it was grandeur, it was beauty, like the way that I wanted it, and that was the most fun time. Like I had braids that were like 52 inches long, like they went down to my ankles. I was in salon chairs for 13 hours. Like, Yeah, honey, the legs were shaved, the arms were shaved. She was gaffed up and ready to go. When she did her workouts, she was in a waist trainer squat jumps, it was only chest so the tits were titting. It was yeah, that would that was an experience, because also, when I was presenting like full fam, I was so happy with how I looked so much of the time. But it always felt like being misunderstood as well. It always felt like being misgendered, even when they meant like the best. They had the best intentions, so many of them, and yet it was just oh, he and this and that, and the other and and I'll be hot or sexy, but not necessarily beautiful. I'll be great to like, Call at midnight, but not necessarily, like, take out to lunch. And like this sounds like really, like dramatic and like, Oh my God, but like, it kind of does feel like that sometimes, you know, like you're the first thing that people want to show off, but the last thing that people want to take home if you find yourself pandering, not pandering. Actually, I think that's a rude word to use. If you find yourself succumbing to the the feeling that you need to provide something for the people with whom you wish to associate or date or sleep with or whatever, then you find yourself changing yourself your body, the way that you want your body, the way that you want to wear your clothes the way that you walk and stand. So you go from like that joy of finding yourself and just like being yourself and slowly realizing, oh my god, I'm actually going out less. I'm in less spaces. I'm seeing less people. I actually feel quite alone. When I got to that stage in it, in the feeling quite alone, it was like, Okay, how do I then? How do I get back out how do I get back out there? And I did that with work and escapism. Work yourself out of being lonely through the week and get back into that, like loop and cycle. So feels quite like lacking of intimacy. I was completely starved of it. The only, the only reason I even actually stumbled upon non Monogamy was when I came out as non binary. I started looking for loads of reading and podcasts, and a lot of the time non binary individuals were also talking about the fact that when they came out as non binary, other binary thinking kind of started to fall away in allowing that and understanding that and feeling all of the different energies that I felt while I was doing that I was just like. It doesn't make sense that like someone who can exist in so many ways and feel so many things and allow themselves to become so many things, should be only. One person, because what, exactly for?

Genevieve  25:02  

What? Why? Yeah. You ask, why, and then you keep asking, Why, yeah, yeah. 

Ishik  25:07  

I definitely think it's a lot of the like you start to pull on one thread, and the whole sweater kind of starts to come undone, and you're like, Oh, shit. This was a totally made up thing, yeah, yeah. Just in terms of, kind of like a timeline, the experience of coming out and exploring being non binary, and this experience you're describing, of feeling really lonely in that was that before or after, during, when you met your nesting partner?

Darkwah  25:37  

This was all before, because I came out as none, but I'm 31 now. Um, I came out as non binary when I was 2524 going on 25 so my nesting partner when I was 28 going on 29 um, there's this thing a secure base. I think that was in poly secure. When I was listening to that section of the book, I could only see my nesting partner face in my mind. And even though at that time we were like, not together, we were in the shits, it was not great. That's the only person whose face I could see in my mind. And I was like, Okay, fine. Like, maybe it's not the most secure thing right now, but I want it to be that secure.

Ishik  26:19  

When you're describing it as being like in the shit, right? What is it? What does that look like? Is it screaming matches? Is it not talking? 

Darkwah  26:27  

Being in the shit is like, after having had a deep conversation that doesn't necessarily feel resolved, I'll be in my head about that, then letting that send me into a spiral. And then once I start in that spiral, it's it goes from feeling bad to then being like, Okay, well, if I have done something that I don't know about that's then gonna get sprung up on me. What do I have in, like, my like, parlor or armor or whatever, to like, then come back and it became really uncomfortable to just to even have a conversation.

Genevieve  26:59  

Yeah, my I had a mentor that used to call it building a case in my head against my partner. Of like, I'm just starting to collect evidence, and I've already concluded that they are my enemy in this moment. And say, therefore, dada, dada. And it gets away from you, especially if the premise is, like, Actually, I didn't feel that way at all, you know. So I definitely agree with that.

Darkwah  27:18  

It's allowing yourself to actively misunderstand or misinterpret what the other is doing or saying. And I think it was Brene Brown, she said the story that I'm telling myself is and so I just remembered that, and I now just will openly say to my nesting partner sometimes, like the story that I'm telling myself is right now you're pissed off at me for this, this, this, this and this, and I'm really not sure why or what it is. So can you please let me know if there is some truth to this story, or if I'm making this all up and it takes them aback. Sometimes they're like, Oh, okay. But they like, we appreciate it, and we're doing that more with each other. 

Genevieve  28:04  

I'm glad you've you mentioned earlier, when we were talking about communication, you mentioned that your partner comes with a lot of like curiosity, trying to understand you, and that there's ultimately, even if there's yelling and being distraught, you get back on the same team. Sometimes people ask me and ask of this podcast, what do I literally say, like they want, like, literal words or an example? Do you have an example in mind of something that, like a time that you were really proud of your communication with your partner? 

Darkwah  28:33  

Oh, my God, literally, like, two, three days ago? We think a lot. I mean, most people think a lot anyway. We're all thinking a lot, all the time, but when we do, we are also aware that both of us can see at least nine different ways that, like, what's your plan, could be interpreted? So we just make an effort to, like, give the narration within it, like, I'm like, Okay, so, like, what's your plan? And I'm not asking because I want you out of the space. I'm asking because I want to know if I can help. So what is your plan for this? How do you intend on doing this? And if they have received that and they feel a certain way to be like, okay, not sure what my plan is, right now, I do want to let you know, though, that like approaching me with what's your plan? Feels a bit abrupt when I'm nervous about something. I didn't realize this, but like, when I'm nervous about talking about something, I get like really, like formal and business, and so I seem really cold. So they read me as being annoyed instead of being anxious. And so I was like, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to come across this way if I did, because I I was thinking that. And then afterwards, I also said, I'm now also anxious that I've made you feel that way and that you're not communicating it to me. So I'm sorry, but can we have a hug, just so we can, like, have a little bit more security? And they were like, Yeah, sure. And you know, like it's, it's that like over communication, of the things that we assume are implied, because, you know, maybe, like, your body language has changed a little bit and like you're sitting a little bit more slumped, and you're like, eyebrows are like, raising upwards in the middle, so you think you're reading like you're worried, and therefore signaling for care or interaction or intimacy or reassurance, but like the choice to say it is the difference between actively being you're in a relationship and passively being in one.

Ishik  30:37  

Hey, everybody. So first off, you just want to say thank you so much to everyone who has supported the show for all of the growth and all of the kind words that people have sent about how it has helped them. It makes us so incredibly happy. So thank you so much for that. This will be our final recorded interview before we take a couple of months off to continue production of season three, but this won't be the final episode of season two. We will be doing a season two finale Q A next week, where we'll be answering all of your burning questions. So if you want to send us something that you want Genevieve and I to answer, please go ahead and send that to I could never pod@gmail.com that's I could never pod@gmail.com and we will be accepting submissions until end of day, Sunday May 18. So go ahead and send that along, and we're looking forward to answering your questions. Thanks again, everyone. There's so many you're such a multi talented person. There's so many things that you could kind of highlight as like you as a creative DJing, opera singer, drag, you know, fashion, modeling, poetry, just so many things, acting right, like, I'm definitely missing some but like, but what I found interesting Is that on your Instagram, bio, yeah, the first thing before any of that is probably Ghanaian, right? Like, that's the first thing, yeah. And so I'd love to learn a bit more about your cultural heritage and your relationship with

Darkwah  32:14  

it. I am so proud to be Ghanaian. The reason I'm so proud about being Ghanaian is because I truly believe that to be Ghanaian is to be love, and to love and to be loved, the values that are instilled in us as kids, even though, like sometimes quite harshly, really speak to loyalty, reliability, love, care, attentiveness, and I Just, I don't know, there's just something about Ghanaian joy when you when I, when I discover, when I find out that anyone else is gonna like, when I find out another Ghanaian like, instantly, if we can speak chi, you know, you instantly start speaking your native tongue. You instantly get excited. You instantly get a little dance, a little shimmy of the shoulder, or whatever. And it's this, is, it's this, like electric joy. That's how I perceive being Ghanaian, also first nation to gain independence from the British in Africa. I say proudly, Ghanaian first, because I truly believe that, like being Ghanaian informs every single thing that I do. It was just always this feeling of family and togetherness. And even though, like in that, within my queer experience, it was very disjointed, because I felt both loved and loathed at times, there was still something that like connected joy and community. And so it's something that, for me, resonates as truly and wholly Ghanaian.

Genevieve  33:38  

You mentioned that being queer sort of brought some feelings of being loathed, yeah, yeah. I'm curious about that experience for you, of that the dichotomy there.

Darkwah  33:52  

Ghanaians obviously being very faithful people as well. Were you know, when you are indoctrinated into religion in order to be subdued or suppressed, or whatever. I say whatever, because I can't find the right word. Yeah, you cling to the things that you know to be the system, including religion. And so that is quite a central part of a lot of Ghanaians existences, which means that to be queer is to already be like out of a standard Ghanaian existence, and therefore also unable to receive Ghanaian care, understanding, Grace. And so that's what it was for me. It was my family having to unpick everything that they were taught was right, and not doing it fast enough also to make me feel safe. And I think looking back at it, I'm very happy to be able to describe it like that, because that's truly what it was like. We know what we see and what we can perceive and what we can perceive. Eve is often only influenced by what we see and what we hear, and if we only see and hear that this is evil, then you have to admit that something that you were taught, that you held true as a core of your understanding of the world was also a lie, and you have to unravel that I've learned in the past few years to give a lot more grace to my parents. I'm also able to because they have come right the way around. You know, I don't think I'd be saying that. I mean, if I was saying that and they hadn't come all the way around, I'd be a very, very nice person. I think, are you saying you're not very nice? I'm a Scorpio. I'm not even nice.

Ishik  35:41  

So kind of a little bit of a shift about Ghana, as I understand it. There is a cultural history of polygamy in Ghana. Y'all, is that? Is that correct?

Darkwah  35:53  

That is true. That is true. You know, there we have relatives who have, like, multiple wives, and it's not necessarily the thing that makes people the happiest, but it's not something that's like, frowned upon in society, like, societally, like, wrong. There is a cultural history. I don't actually know too much about it, but I think I'm going to read up more into poly, non monogamy in, you know, West Africa. I think I tried not to do it actually, because being Ghanaian, being black, talking about that already, like, when you talk about, like black people in relationships, black, black people who are assigned male at birth in relationships, there's so many stereotypes that you can't keep getting your pants. You can't have a relationship anyway. So I chose not to go to my blackness for answers about my feelings about monogamy or non monogamy, because that's also the easiest way for someone to go. Well, of course, in a conversation, I don't like conversations to end on obvious notes. I think it's really it's a waste of everyone's time. And so I went down all of the other routes every other culture I could find as well, just to see what and how it was practiced and done, to see if there are links. When I finally do go and look at my culture.

Ishik  37:13  

You know, touching on, there are these stereotypes that can be levied against somebody. Do you feel like, kind of in the pursuit of of that freedom that we've been talking about right, that freedom of expression, and especially in the context of being so proud of of your Ghanaian heritage that there is a like that there has been kind of presented a barrier for you to being able to just be like, No, this is my cultural heritage. And that's like, if somebody has some shitty perspective about me or my culture or whatever, like, Fuck them.

Darkwah  37:51  

It takes, it takes a minute to get to that. I wrote a poem this year that, like, kind of went viral, called Black, Black being like, I actually love being black. Because, like, you don't love being black. I mean, I didn't love being black growing up, I remember the first time I wore all brown, and I thought I looked so cool and luxurious, like my dad had bought me a suit was brown. I had these brown loafers on. It must have been like, six or something. And some kid just came up to me like, ew, you. Looks like you're naked. And in that moment, like, I was aware that I was wearing the exact same color as my skin, and I thought it was wonderful. So to be told that, like, that's kind of disgusting and off putting, then gives you a complex with, like, even liking your skin color. Then, you know, in school, your friends who think they're being funny when you're asked to draw self portraits of draw portraits of each other, like, draw you with like, a huge forehead and huge nose and huge lips and like, then you have a complex about your face, so you grew up wanting to change your face. Like I I had planned all of the surgeries that I was gonna have to change my face by the time I was, like, 16. By the time I was 16, I knew all the different types of surgeries that I needed to have, to have the kind of face that I wanted, which I no longer want, because I love my face. But the more conventionally attractive, or the more that you fit close to or into the perception or idea of conventionally attractive, the less work you have to do, and the better your treatment. I feel like I have to work so hard, you know, like I, like, never really fully enjoyed it. I'm enjoying being black now, because being black means being anything. So I can be anything. I'm human, so long as I'm alive, I can, you know, someone somewhere is also going to exist in a way that my black exists, if I am proud of my existence, of my black and I share it, then they'll have someone to look to. And so yeah, I only just learned to really enjoy and love my black, and now I really, really love it.

Ishik  39:53  

I just want to say dark. Wow, you're beautiful.

Darkwah  39:57  

Thank you beautiful. Both of you are. You. Thank you so much for this. This has been so wonderful and healing, and I can't wait to just have regular calls with you guys.

Genevieve  40:13  

Thank you so much dark well for joining us today, I would love to invite you to share, like, how can people find you online, and any projects that you're working on, Alrighty,

Darkwah  40:22  

well, you can find me online at House of darkwa. That's H, A, U, S, O, F, D, A, R, K, W, A, H. That's on LinkedIn, Instagram, tick tock. You can, if you are in the UK, see me in cinemas in the film Layla, which is Director Amir Al Kharadi's first feature film that is about a queer Palestinian, a non binary Palestinian drag artist who is navigating all kinds of self, love and relationships. And you can listen to my poetry soon on Spotify, but you can definitely listen to my music now on Spotify, and you can just find me as Darkwah. D, A, R, K, W, A, H, that's so

Ishik  41:05  

awesome. And as always, if you're looking for more polyamory content, Genevieve is on tick tock and Instagram at chill polyamory, as well as on YouTube also at chill polyamory, where she discusses non monogamy in film and TV. 

Genevieve  41:19  

So youcan support those projects and this podcast directly on Patreon, where you'll get early access to videos, private stories, live Q and A's and an option for one on one polyamory, peer support. So that's patreon.com/chillpolyamory.

Ishik  41:33  

As we close out this episode of I could never just remember that just because you haven't done something before doesn't mean that you can't do it. Bye.

Darkwah 41:41

Ciao!